Friendship matters….
The joy and pain friendship can engender can be more piercing than from a romantic relationship. Friendship can be amorphous, undefined and puzzling. Despite that most of us strive to have confidants.
Science tells us unless we invest in a friendship, it can deteriorate in as little as 3 months. Therefore if we don’t put in the energy, the quality of the relationship will always be poor. Given it takes time and effort to maintain a friendship, most people are not capable of maintaining many deep camaraderies but being able to be intimate is vital to our happiness and mental health. For example, how much we feel loved has a knock on impact on our ability to survive illness (possibly this is manifested through a physical reaction or the bolstering of mental strength but it sounds similar to the placebo effect).
In these strange times, using the phone or video conferencing should help foster our friendships. But maintaining attachments in this way is not very satisfying, which is partially due to lack of physicality or touch. Touch helps to re-enforce social bonds and triggers the brain to release endorphins. These are pleasure releasing chemicals making the physical presence of a friend meaningful, something you cannot capture over the phone alone.
I have often wondered what makes some of my friendships work, why others become tortuous and why some seem to fade away. Aristole looked at the idea of friendship. He believed that there are three types. Those for utility — where our friendships are transactional in nature — what can I get out of this person; for pleasure — how they make you feel and the third Aristole termed the ‘perfect friendship’ is based on the qualities of the individual — you value them for who they are. The first two types of bonds are fleeting and the third can be long lasting.
I think there is something to this way of classifying so have learnt not to be disappointed by changes in the status of a friendship. We enter into such partnerships thinking that they will last forever but the truth is people weave in and out of our lives. Perhaps that longing is unrealistic if we are friends for reasons of need or due to being thrown together at a point in time and place. Outside of these factors, it seems realistic that such friendships will eventually wither — but that’s ok. No need to feel bereft. When the time feels right, when a friendship becomes draining or starts to fill you with disappointment, let go of the melodrama. Move on. Not only to preserve fond memories but so as not to wind along a path of bitterness. Friendships that turn sour can hurt as much as any break-up.
The Socioemotional selectivity theory was developed by Psychologist Laura Carstensen. It is a theory around motivation over the span of our life. The idea being that as we get closer to what we perceive is the end of our life, we tend to invest ‘greater resources in more emotionally meaningful goals and activities’ (Wikipedia). As we age, the theory suggests that we tend to stop acquiring new friends and consolidate our feelings around a focussed number because we can receive some emotional benefit from our interactions now; today. Other research indicates that the older Chimpanzee generation do the same!
I don’t think there is an exact science as to how to be a good friend or to know what the right number of deep attachments should be at any stage in life. I suspect it is as much about the innate qualities of both parties as well as the chemistry between them. But I feel true friendships need a periodic injection of shared experiences to be sustained. Experiences can tie our bonds to each other even more closely and help re-enforce those qualities we value in each other, a difficult effort to sustain without being able to look into someone’s eyes naturally. Which brings me back to needing to periodically diarise the physical presence of your friend.
Such shared experiences are about being there in the bad times as well as the good with thoughtfulness, challenge and laughter. Lots and lots of belly aching laughter. Perhaps that’s the true secret to friendship — as in truth, who can honestly resist someone who cares but can make us laugh?
