Passing before our time….

I warn. This topic is not easy to consider but it is a facet of society that wreaks such pain and mental havoc so brave up and read on.

I want to talk about suicide. Taboo, stigma, abhorrence, dis-belief; incomprehension; dismay. So many adjectives stain this term. Yet most of us shy away from probing, delving past the surface of the word for fear it upsets our expectation of a lifes’ trajectory; that awareness would not scatter the clouds of bewilderment and impotence it inclines. But we need to try because there are people that can be saved from their demons. Not all who are suicidal go on to commit an act. Some just want to be heard; acknowledged. We shouldn’t turn away from putting thought into how we help our frail.

According to the World Health Organisation (WHO), close to 700,000 people die every year due to suicide and there are many more who attempt. It is now the chief cause of death for men under the age of 50 in the UK (NHS England) and globally the fourth leading basis of death for boys between the ages of 15–19. It is also a tragedy that devastates the loved ones left behind.

I appreciate those statistics may feel contrived to be dramatic but The Samaritans claim that one in five people have thought about suicide which seems unbelievably high whilst concurrently carrying a trace of truth. What drives someone to such depths of pain? Poor mental health (depression for example) is a leading motivation but there are also indications that the urge to end it all can arise unexpectedly; when the stresses of life overwhelm and induce a fracturing of the emotional clutter of our minds. WHO research suggests that experience of violence, abuse, conflict, deprivation and discrimination are also factors. The evidence reveals that someone who has attempted suicide once is more likely to try again and next time succeed. Perhaps when the other side is within grasp, the lure is too magnetic to evade.

I’m not being naive. I know that there are those we can never save. That for many suicide is a relief. Because some people are so sad it is impossible for them to return to our fold. Or so mentally disturbed their quality of life is questionable. And It is a terrible thought for the living but perhaps there is a mercy in this way out when no one else can make the hard decision.

Whenever and at whatever age suicide occurs, even if unbidden thoughts deep in our hearts tell us rationally it has ended a perpetual misery, it is almost always incredibly cruel for the left behind. A short cut to death via a blotch in history is not the road a person’s life is meant to travel. Unanswered questions invite constant rumination and the doubts that you ever did enough to help. That you were too engrossed in your own self to see the signals. That you didn’t care enough. Thoughts that shred your insides.

Julie Burchill (the English writer) has written many moving articles about how she felt when her son committed suicide several years ago. He had been mentally ill but no actions they took could bring him back to them. He wrote this before he died.

‘I believe that I’m beyond the point of ­getting better largely due to the fact that I lost the essence of myself in 2012, and since then I have experienced a number of things that for the average person would equate to some form of salvation, and they have done pretty much nothing to balance out the persistent emptiness and feeling of being completely dead emotionally and mentally. I’ve lost the ability to have any kind of pleasurable emotional or verbal connection with anyone, resulting in the highest possible degree of isolation that anyone can go through’.

The eloquence in his letter brings a lump to my throat for the despair it describes and because I cannot understand….

But there are those that can be supported if we choose not to look away. Although society is not at a maturity capable of solving for what drives such anguish, evidence tells us that intervention, recognition, acceptance can turn the tide for some such broken individuals. Because for that desperation to turn into a physical act takes something extra; a readiness to step into the abyss which is contrary to our nature to survive. There is a gulf between feeling suicidal and taking the next step which leaves room to disarm.

‘Evidence shows asking someone if they’re suicidal can protect them. They feel listened to, and hopefully less trapped. Their feelings are validated, and they know that somebody cares about them. Reaching out can save a life’.

Rory O’Connor, Professor of Health Psychology at Glasgow University (The Samaritans website)

I’m awkward and clumsy broaching this emotive subject. I fear the perception of trivialisation in which I have but a little claim. But a claim it is. I have seen friends pass away before their time. I have coaxed others away from the abyss. And as a Childline volunteer counsellor supporting children who are in a swirl of emotions, I have heard the desperate grasp of suicide as the only lifeboat out of a living hell.

The reasons people commit suicide are complex so we find facing it an affront to our sense of the way the world should work; a rejection of our striving. But we need to confront, be open, learn and talk more about it. Hiding behind our discomfort changes nothing; we don’t help anyone beat their demons and this devious executioner continues its silent rampage with us none the wiser. So I truly hope I’ve made you feel uncomfortable but I also hope I’ve pushed you to want to take on this taboo word to dull the mental havoc. We can all help our frail — in whatever way, big or small, you choose….